"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
