I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We have started to decorate penises.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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