So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
