I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
