She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
