Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
