just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
