the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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