I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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