dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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