As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
