Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
