Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
