i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
