I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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