I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
