How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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