Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
