so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
