I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
