That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
