At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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