just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
