I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize