turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
