That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
