we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
