R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
