I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
