Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
