That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
