I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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