There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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