Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
