So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
