I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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