Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
