Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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