ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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