i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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