Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
