someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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