I think I won the penis lottery.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
