Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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