Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
