He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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