i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
