his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
