As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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