best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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