Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The best revenge is premature balding
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
