Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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