Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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