He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
