..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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