i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
