Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
