drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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